I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
