He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
