I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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