I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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