a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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