there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
