your room smells of hookers.
And success
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
