So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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