you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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