At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They are going to name an STD after you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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