...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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