For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
