My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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