Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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