listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
