Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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