So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
