If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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