You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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