A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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