I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
