im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
