Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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