I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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