I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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