Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
