Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
