It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
