I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
