I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
