wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
