Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
