All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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