you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
