Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
FUCK WHALES
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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