I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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