So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
