I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
