Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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