I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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