ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
