She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
