I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
