That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
