you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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