just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
