What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
