and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
