he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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