Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
