Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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